Developing Self Esteem in Children

The following are specific suggestions for developing and enhancing self-esteem in children. To the degree that a child (or an adult) has low self worth, he will not achieve his God given potential. There are times when some of the following suggestions may not be appropriate or possible, but there should be fairly regular times when many of them are possible.

1. Give specific praise. General praise (e.g., “you're so smart”; “you’re such a wonderful daughter”) is easily rejected by the child and, if she is convinced otherwise, may make her uncomfortable around you for fear you will find out "the truth" and become disillusioned. Better: "I'm impressed by how you solved that problem!" or “I really appreciate how you put away your things this morning without even being asked.” Over a period of time, children will draw their own conclusions about what these things say about their character.

2. Ask children for their opinions, feelings or advice on various issues. Be interested in their responses. If you value their thoughts and feelings, they will too.

3. When reprimanding, reject the behavior, not the person. Make your focus the change you want, not the problem you see. A response such as, “Honestly, you’re going from bad to worse!” labels the child and does not give something to aim for. Better: “I know what you can accomplish when you set your mind to it, and that’s why this is unacceptable.” End with the positive expectation that the child can and will do better.

4. Help each child to identify and develop natural talents. In particular, encourage each to develop at least one area of excellence. Not only will this be reassuring in itself, it will also build confidence for the future regarding what can be accomplished with discipline and practice.

5. Monitor communication with siblings and peers (where possible). Do not allow communication that demeans or attacks the worth of others. Help children express feelings in ways that do not demean. "Re-scripting" (i.e., having children "replay" a negative interaction with different words), as well as role playing and modeling may help.

6. Teach children healthy self-talk; help them to minimize negative self-messages. (This works best when the children are younger.) One good way to do this is by modeling healthy self-talk yourself: “Well, this didn’t turn out the way I wanted, but at least I was willing to try!”

Suggestions for "active listening":

Get down to eye level. Maintain eye contact. As much as possible, give undivided attention.
Concentrate on listening and endeavoring to understand, not simply on what you think the child needs to hear from you.
Ask questions about his or her feelings, thoughts, conclusions, etc.
Paraphrase the child's communication in your own words and check it out to see if it is accurate. ("What I hear you saying is…. Is that accurate?")
Give an example or illustration that shows you understand. (“Is this an example of what you mean…?”)
Reflect back the feelings that accompany the communication. ("You must have been really angry when that happened." "I’ll bet you were feeling pretty hurt and lonely at that point.”)
Show respect for the child's communication, even if you don't agree. ("I can see some reasons why you might have felt that way." "Thanks for talking to me about it.")

7. Practice active listening when possible and appropriate. While adults are frequently aware of their responsibility to instruct and discipline, they often neglect the art of listening. Listening is one of the best ways to show that you value another person. See the inset for active listening ideas.

8. Define areas in which the child is able (and expected) to make decisions. If almost all decisions are made on behalf of the child by others, it will be hard for him or her to gain personal confidence.

9. When assigning tasks or responsibilities, keep in mind the probable chances of success. Try to make sure the child has a reasonable success rate. On the other hand, it is also important to give challenges. When children undertake difficult tasks, help them to gain a perspective on failure—to see that a “failure” in a challenging task is not a personal failure at all. On the contrary, the person who never fails is a person who is not performing close enough to their potential!

10. Don’t give acceptance or disapproval based on comparing the child with others. When approval is contingent on comparisons with others, even if favorable, it leads to insecurity. (Note, however, that a child can be encouraged to identify certain people who do well in a particular area and to observe and learn from them. This is a good life skill.)

11. Personally visualize the child, especially the “problem child,” as a success, or at least a potential success. To the extent that you have already written him off in your mind as a failure, even if this is not a conscious decision on your part, you have largely disqualified yourself from being a source of encouragement and help for the future.

12. Remember the child is not the enemy! If you slip into an adversarial, win-lose mode of thinking concerning a child, redefine, in your own thinking, the lines of battle: “I’m on her side. It is the irresponsibility, lack of self-worth, antisocial attitudes, etc., that is the 'enemy.' We both win and lose together.”

13. Be willing to admit to failures and imperfections yourself, and to ask a child's forgiveness when appropriate.

14. Give moments of attention spontaneously, on your own initiative. This will mean much more than if a child believes he has manipulated you into giving attention through acting out, silly behavior, etc. Often, spontaneous attention is withheld (though not necessarily purposefully) from the child who is frequently “demanding” it through inappropriate means, thus creating a vicious circle.

16. Most importantly, help a child to know deeply that God will always love him, "no matter what," and that you do too.