Rules of Engagement

There are times when even our best intentions do not protect us from “energetic disagreements.” Occasional conflicts are not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, one of the marks of a healthy relationship is that the couple is willing to face difficult issues. However, it is important that the end result of such disagreements is predominately helpful and not harmful. Toward that end, a husband and wife need to work out and agree upon their “rules of engagement.”

The following rules are suggested as candidates for your list. Read them over, discuss them, add to them, change or subtract from them, and then agree together that you will abide by them.

NOTE: Please be patient with each other as you establish these new habits. There will definitely be a learning curve! If you feel stuck, consider enlisting the help of a counselor who can help you with the more difficult areas.

1. We will remember that we are on the same team. No matter how strong our feelings, we will remind ourselves (and each other) that we are teammates and not adversaries; in the big picture, we win or lose together.

2. We will reconfirm our commitment to the marriage. We will not threaten to leave. We will not use the “d-word”; divorce is not an option.

3. We will attack the problem, not the person. “Is my response aimed at helping to solve the problem, or is it intended rather to hurt, dominate or get even?”

4. We will put as much effort into listening as we do into talking. We will do our best to hear what the other person is trying to say.

5. No matter how “right” we believe we are, we will try to see the issue from the other’s vantage point. Just as two eyes working together are necessary for depth perception, so two people willing to see from the other’s point of view can achieve depth of understanding that neither could attain alone.

6. We will be completely honest. We will not embellish details to make a point. We will not attempt to deceive even when we feel the truth might compromise our position.

7. We will not be ruled by our feelings. While it is okay to have and discuss strong feelings, we will not allow emotions to control our reactions. We will think before we speak.

8. We will endeavor to give the benefit of the doubt to the other. If there is more than one reasonable interpretation of the other’s intentions, we will try to assume the explanation with the best motives.

9. We will stick to the subject. We will not bring up offenses or shortcomings of the other person unless they are directly relevant to the subject at hand. “Tit for tat” recitations of the other’s sins only serve to stir up anger and complicate the discussion. If there is an additional grievance that we truly feel a need to discuss, we will wait for a time in the future when we are not already discussing another subject.

10. We will go the distance. We’ll talk it out until we have reached an agreement, or at least until we both feel we have been heard and are ready to move on. If for some reason this is not feasible at a particular time, we will agree to a specific future time when we will come back to the subject.

11. We will not punish the other with “the silent treatment.”

12. If either of us feels our own anger is on the verge of being out of control, we will call or signal a time-out, and utilize the time to cool off. We will try to state how long we believe we will need and our intention to continue after the time-out. Time-outs will not be used as a punishment or a tactic to gain strategic advantage. If one of us announces the need for a time-out, the other will honor that request and immediately take a break from further discussion. (If either of us is afraid we will forget the point we were going to make, we can write it down for the next opportunity.)

13. No name-calling. We will not use words or phrases designed to belittle, shame, hurt or intimidate the other person.

14. We will make our point with our words, not our volume level. Shouting and yelling indicates that we are either losing control or engaging in intimidation.

15. We will try to avoid the following kinds of statements, which only encourage defensiveness and do not help in our being heard:

a. “You statements” (accusations--open to argument): “You don’t know what you’re talking about!” Instead, we will try to use “I statements” (our own observations or feelings. We are the best authority on how things seem or feel to us.): “I don’t understand how you came to that conclusion.” “I feel confused.”

b. Overstatements such as always and never. (“I never get any help around here.” “You’re always complaining.”) These words are very rarely technically true, and tend to interfere with the other person hearing what we are trying to say. Better: “I have been feeling overwhelmed by the work load and need some help.” “It’s hard for me to enjoy being with you when so much of what I hear is negative.”

16. When either of us feels misunderstood, we will each paraphrase what we hear the other person saying—until they say we understand—before we give our own response. (“Here is what I hear you saying; have I got it right?”) This helps to slow down an interaction that may be getting heated up, and puts the emphasis on listening.

17. We will try to stay open to the possibility that we may be wrong. We will be ready, when needed, to say (and mean) words such as the following: “I believe I was wrong.” “I am sorry.” “Please forgive me.” “I will work at doing better in that area in the future.”

18. We will seek to take the “high road” of forgiveness. After a confrontation we will seek a course that leads to forgiving, letting go and moving on.