In discussing history, the following are some of the major
areas on which to focus:
1. Traumatic Events
Examples include instances of physical, sexual or emotional abuse, divorce of
parents or other major loss in childhood, and accidents or illnesses requiring
hospitalization as a child. It should be remembered that children vary
greatly in how they are impacted by a given event. Whereas some events are
universally negative in their impact on later life, such as genuine abuse,
others vary much more in their impact, such as a significant illness or
accident.
2. Family of Origin Issues
a. Rules
Every family has unwritten rules by which it operates. Some are helpful,
such as “Our family talks it over when we have problems.” Others are
not so helpful, such as “Never cry or reveal feelings of weakness.”
These rules strongly influence our expectations and behavior in future
relationships. It is said that the three main rules of a dysfunctional
family are: “Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.”
b. Roles
As in a play or movie, a “role” is an individual’s identity in the
family—how that person sees himself and is seen by the other family members,
what that person contributes to (or detracts from) the family, and the shared
expectations and understandings governing how that individual relates to other
family members.
c. Boundaries
Boundaries separate one person’s territory from another. Boundaries can
be too rigid on the one hand, or practically nonexistent on the other.
Boundary problems could include an alliance between a parent and one child which
alienates the other parent, a “parentified child” who feels she needs to
take on the responsibilities of an adult, or a family member trying to take
control of another’s emotions.
3. School and Peer Issues
What role did a person assume with peers? What was his or her perceived
reputation? How did the person attempt to gain approval/acceptance as a
child? Did it work?
4. Puberty and Adolescence Issues
How did the individual negotiate the transition from childhood to young
adulthood? How did they handle the physical and biological changes
unique to their gender? Were they treated differently by their parents?
E.g., sometimes fathers will back off emotionally and become much less
affectionate when their daughters experience puberty—causing the daughter to
feel there is something very wrong with her, or with what is happening to her
body.
5. Previous Relationship Issues
What were a person’s experiences with previous dating relationships, or
previous marriages? Are the “lessons” learned from these relationships
interfering with present relationship(s)?
6. Primary Decisions
These are usually made during growing up years, and are sometimes referred to as
“inner vows.” E.g., a child who experiences abuse may make a
“decision” that he will never be weak again. A child who grows up in a
chaotic and uncertain environment may “vow” that she will always be in
control. Or someone who was hurt or abandoned in a trusted relationship
may make a primary decision that he will never get close to anyone again.
A person may or may not be aware of this decision, but it is like an autopilot
that sets the course for the rest of a person’s life—unless somewhere along
the line that person examines the decision and “re-decides.”
7. Guilt, Shame or Resentment
Are there early experiences, whether few or many, for which a person feels
profound guilt or shame, or long-term resentment?
The healing journey can be thought of as responding to a
number of needs:
1. The need to tell one’s story
No matter how traumatic or painful the memory may be, there seems to
be a universal need to talk about it. It is believed that one of the
reasons there was a greater incidence of post traumatic stress disorder after
the Vietnam war than after World War II, was that Vietnam vets did not have a
long trip back home aboard ship where they could "tell their stories,"
and when they arrived in the U.S., people did not want to hear about the war.
2. The need to be understood and validated
People often feel very alone, "different" and even shameful
in their painful memories. They need to know, when they finally feel safe
enough to share deeply, that they are understood and accepted. We do not
communicate understanding by saying, "I understand," but by attentive
listening, reflecting back and checking out our comprehension of their emotions
and experiences, and giving reassurance that their feelings, whatever they may
be, are "okay."
3. The need to connect the past to the present
A major step toward healing is understanding the connection between painful
experiences of the past, and our present reactions and emotions. We need
to understand that when we become fearful, hurt or angry in certain situations,
we may be reacting more to the hurts of the past than to the present situations
or people that trigger those emotions. Understanding why we react the way we do
gives us more of a sense of control and predictability.
4. The need to grieve
Grieving is a normal, healing response to major losses. But
because it involves a range of uncomfortable emotions, such as sadness and
anger, some people try to avoid it. Some even think that it demonstrates
weakness or a lack of faith. Grieving is a journey that has a destination:
acceptance of our situation and the freedom to move on with our lives.
Those who try to avoid the journey may not fully arrive at the destination.
5. The need to
forgive
While anger is a very normal and even healthy emotion in response to
many life situations, long-term anger that is held and nurtured is
damaging. There is now general agreement on this conclusion from
authorities who come from medical, psychological as well as spiritual
perspectives. While an attempt at "quick forgiveness" may be
just another form of denial, a deeper forgiveness when the time is right can be
a healing experience. Forgiveness involves letting go of animosity; it
does not require that we are more accepting of what someone has done, nor that
we are more ready to have a relationship with someone who has hurt us.
Those are separate questions.
6. The need to be forgiven
There is often much shame and guilt associated with painful memories of the
past. Often people need to be convinced that they were not to blame for
experiences and reactions when they were growing up. But in our haste to
reassure those who are hurting, we sometimes forget that the only way to deal
with certain aspects of guilt, rather than "explaining it away," is to
help the individual through an understanding and acceptance of
forgiveness. While some people see Christianity as harsh and condemning,
the heart of the Christian message is forgiveness and healing. This is one
of the most powerful things we have to offer.
7. The need to separate the past from the present
While this may seem like a contradiction to item #3 above, it is not. Once
we understand how past experiences have affected our present lives and
relationships, we need to consciously separate the negative, intrusive emotions
and perceptions that are based on the past, from our present day-to-day
living. For example, a married woman who has difficult memories of her
relationship with her father may need to say to herself, "this is my
husband, who loves me and is committed to me; he is not my father. I am
now a competent adult; I am not a dependent child." Then, more and
more, we need to take risks by choosing to act on our new perceptions.
[Top
of page]
|