Couples Counseling

Couples often ask me whether they should come individually or together at first, and what will happen during their counseling. If both are willing and there is a desire to come together, that is often the best way to get started. However, if either feels he or she will not get a fair chance to share their point of view when the other is present, or there is simply a great deal of anger built up, it might be better for each to come a time or two (or more) before coming jointly. Also, if only one is willing to begin counseling, it is usually best for that person to get the ball rolling even if it means coming by oneself. There are often things an individual can do to promote healing, and perhaps to increase the likelihood that the other will participate in counseling in the future.

Issues I Commonly Address in Marriage and Relationship Counseling

My Role in the Counseling Process

As I get started with a couple, I will usually ask what motivated them to seek counseling and whether there is a current crisis. I’ll ask if they have tried counseling before and if so, how the experience was for them – if it was helpful, we want to build on that; if not, we want to avoid whatever went wrong before. I’ll ask what the hopes and expectations are of each from counseling, and if there are fears about the process. We’ll discuss those areas and work toward at least a preliminary understanding of what our goals are. I also like to ask what the areas of strength are in the relationship, as well as how the couple met and what attracted them to each other. These and other similar questions help to provide the big picture that is the context for what is happening currently.

Couples may be dealing with many issues, or just a few. As we begin to get these on the table and discuss strategy, I tailor my suggestions and responses to the personalities of the couple, how I observe that they relate to each other, the urgency of the situation, their background and history, the “emotional climate” at the time, and the counseling goals and preferences the couple has expressed. My role in the counseling process will likely vary from session to session. At times I may be teaching relational skills. At other times I may be interpreting links between the past and present: for example, how childhood experiences may be affecting one's current relationships. I am virtually always working to facilitate better communication.

One of my primary goals in counseling is to provide a safe, accepting environment in which couples feel free to share their feelings, needs and concerns. It is my desire that each feels they have been heard and understood by me and by their partner. As we proceed with counseling and the couple feels more able to deal with issues on their own, they will be experiencing more and more of their progress in between sessions. If they desire, I will give homework to encourage this independent progress. The end goal is not to solve every problem (there are always new ones around the corner). It is to develop habits, skills and attitudes that will enable the couple to successfully deal with problems on their own in the future, as well as to get past the hurts and roadblocks that may have been blocking the way.