Healing Past Hurts

Along life's path, we have all experienced hurts, fears, embarrassment and unfair treatment. In many cases, we have made the adjustments necessary to get on with life and leave these issues behind. But in some cases, the unhealthy aspects of our environment were so pervasive, or one or more experiences were so traumatic that the lasting effects interfere with our ability to live comfortable, productive lives and to have successful intimate relationships. Examples of such a history include families characterized by alcoholism or other dysfunctional patterns; situations where there has been physical, sexual or emotional abuse; instances of physical or emotional abandonment; and humiliation or painful rejection at home, school or in a significant relationship.

Some people are very aware of a sense of being "wounded" by these experiences of the past. Others are not actively aware that they were negatively affected. In some cases, they may not even be aware that the environment or experiences were not "normal" - it is all they knew when they were young, and later in life they did not wish to reexamine those memories. In spite of this lack of awareness, their lives may still be hampered by certain characteristic problems, such as self-esteem difficulties, feelings of guilt and shame, lack of emotional control (and/or being over-controlled), excessive or unexplained fears or sadness, compulsive behaviors, and difficulties with intimate relationships.

In helping someone through the healing process, I have found that there is a need to talk about the hurts of the past - no matter how painful. Sometimes a person has never before done so. Perhaps they were afraid of "uncorking" the bottle of their pent-up emotions, or perhaps they feel shame associated with their memories and are afraid the hearer will be shocked or will reject them, or perhaps they don't want others to feel pity for them. But there is still a need to "tell their story" in a warm, understanding and accepting environment. I encourage (but do not pressure) my clients to discuss these memories when they feel ready to do so. I may also encourage them to write about them in a journal if they are so inclined.

As my client and I discuss these memories, we work together to understand their meaning and impact in his or her life, and especially how they connect to present-day emotions, behaviors and relationships. Along the way, there is often a need to grieve the losses of the past - perhaps the loss of innocence, the loss of trust, the loss of a significant relationship, or the loss of a major part of one's childhood. Grieving involves facing those losses and includes a variety of possible emotions. It is our way of preparing to let go (rather than covering up or avoiding) and getting ready to move on with our lives in a less encumbered way.

For additional information on my approach to this subject, please see my article originally written for a counseling newsletter: "Do We Need to Talk About the Past?"

Also see, "Dealing with the Past," the annotated outline of an in-service training session that I presented to a group of counselors at Overlake Christian Church.

Healing also involves letting go of guilt, shame and/or resentment. This may involve a process of forgiveness (if and when a person is ready) and of learning to see oneself in a different light. Another aspect of letting go is learning to separate the past from the present. While earlier there was a need to connect the past to the present in the sense of understanding its impact and influence, there is now a need to separate the past from our present day experiences and relationships. We do this when old feelings are inappropriately triggered by reminding ourselves that our situation is now different, and so are we. That is, the present day situation or person is not the same as in our painful memories, and in addition, we are now more empowered and less vulnerable.

Finally, to the extent that he or she is desirous of doing so, I help my client learn to risk new behaviors, beliefs and roles. This may involve giving up compulsive behaviors, learning new self perceptions and self-talk, increased self-disclosure, risking intimacy in relationships, risking relationships with new types of people, facing and overcoming fears and difficult emotions, and establishing healthy boundaries, among other things.